Cancer/illnesses, and caregiver, support thread

[gnalan]

Sorry for the long post, I just have a lot on my mind that I need to get out.

I have PTSD (no, I wasn't in the military), and panic disorder, among other health issues, and life has gotten a lot harder since the shut-in started.

My fiance started having biopsies done before COVID, and after the self quarantine started it was harder to see doctors face to face. It took months for her to get diagnosed with thyroid cancer, and several more months to have surgery to remove her thyroid (one side at a time with a month in between the two surgeries). Right now she's dealing with two different infections in her neck from the second surgery, a whole list of other medical issues that she's been dealing with for a very long time, and newer medical issues that have gotten worse since her surgeries. She's barely able to do anything on her own, and I feel helpless seeing what she's going through and not being able to help her feel comfortable in her own skin. Some days she acts like she's ready to just give up, and told me a couple of nights ago that she's tired of being sick, and going to different doctors almost on a daily basis, and still not being able to function. Watching her cry, and hearing her say she wishes it would all stop, is breaking my heart.

My anxiety has been through the roof, even though I'm on medication to help with it plus I see a counselor on a weekly basis, and having anxiety attacks everyday for the last few days isn't helping anything. I have other medical issues that I haven't had time to get checked out, or to have the surgeries I need to fix some of them.

Everyday feels like a battle from the time we wake up until we finally fall asleep at night, and I don't think we even get 8 hours of sleep combined each night.

I love her more than anything, and I do my best to put her first before anything else (including myself). I know that's not healthy, but that's all I've known since I was a kid taking care of my siblings, then other family members over the years, and now trying to take care of her. I do what I can for myself when I have time to, but not nearly enough.

I'm really struggling right now, and I don't know what else to do. I don't have the time to be hospitalized again for my mental health, and I don't want to have a complete breakdown again either. I realize I'm posting more information than I should, but I also need to let things out.

Being a caregiver, either by profession or because that's just what's in your heart to do, is one of the hardest things to do. Watching someone die is even harder. I don't think my fiance is anywhere near that stage, at least I hope not, but I still feel like I'm grieving her loss even when we're sitting together eating, talking, watching a movie, or just holding hands and enjoying some piece and quiet together.

Adding car problems on top of all of that is making things worse. I feel like I'm chasing my tail trying to fix it. She's at the point where she doesn't feel safe riding in it anymore, and I'm almost to that point myself.

Volvo may make safe and reliable vehicles, but they aren't easy to work on or cheap to fix. When I bought it, it was all I could afford and I needed a car. The test drive felt fine, so I bought it. Not even two days later I started having problems with it. I'd fix one problem, and then another one would show up, and then another. Now it seems like it's either time to have a dealer fix it, and pay what I can when I can (if that's even an option), or sell it for a loss and find something else. I have almost $2,000 in it, including what I paid for the car, plus the $600+ I paid for my DiCE from Volvo. Even if I got half of that back I'd still end up with a car that needs work done to it, and a DiCE that I doubt I could get my money back out of. I really don't know what to do anymore, and I need to figure something out soon. The last thing I want is for us to get stranded in the winter with a broken vehicle, and then trying to figure out what to do.

[volvolugnut]

I can relate to some of what you are going through. Caregiving is very hard, especially for someone you love. I suggest you try to do some simple things together she will enjoy. Perhaps a favorite meal or music.

I keep seeing your new posts wit new vehicle problems, but most of them I don't have information to help.

volvolugnut

[gnalan]

Been a rough day. I woke up to a phone call that one of my cats was sick, and ended up having to rush him to the animal hospital, since none of the vets had any openings or could check him out today (Wednesday), and sat there for 3 hours while they checked him out to see what they could do to help him. It turned out to be something fatal, and I had to have him put down, unfortunately.

With covid still causing a lot of places to be contactless, I didn't get to be with him or say goodbye. All I could do was sit in the car and wait for the phone to ring, and then make the decision to put him down so he wasn't suffering anymore.

Not the way I wanted to spend the day. From the time I got the phone call that woke me up and finally made it back from the hospital, dug his grave and buried him, 8 hours had gone by.

Between being mentally and emotionally drained already, with everything else that's going on, and then just being physically exhausted from the heat and digging his grave, I ended up passing out for a solid 4 hours. Now I'm trying to go to sleep for the night, and even with my eyelids feeling like there's 50 pound weights trying to pull them closed I just can't seem to be able to.

Life has a crappy way of kicking you when you're down, and even after standing back up it seems like there's something else that comes along to knock you back down. After close to 40 years of fighting I'm still standing back up. I'm pretty scarred up inside and out, physically, mentally, and emotionally, but it's helped make me the person that I am today.

I'm going to try to get a good night's sleep, and hope tomorrow goes better than today did.

Thanks for letting me vent, even if you don't/didn't want to read it. It's better to let things out than to bottle them all up inside.

[volvolugnut]

I am sorry you lost your cat and life keeps kicking you. I hope you get some good news soon.
volvolugnut

[mkc1]

Sorry to hear about your kitty. I lost one of mine last year. None since the COVID stuff started though, thankfully.

[abscate]

We had to put Grayson, our Russian Blue, down in May/June. God Bless our vet who let us hold him and strung in IV lines from the clinic to the foyer so we could be with him for his transition to the warm comfy bed next the fireplace.

One of the twins was overseas and had to support via FaceTime, that was rough.

[Mike Langlois]

Wow, Matthews covers everything. I had stage 4 Rectal cancer (yes, you can imagine where they poked me all the time!) and survived. 10 free years so far. Cancer can be beat if you have the right attitude (a really bad attitude towards cancer helped me) and a good partner. Would have been tough without the support of my wife. Keep a good attitude towards life Illness will be over eventually. I returned to a mostly normal life, minus a few body parts. Still ride motorcycles and play with cars....
Manic Mike

[gnalan]

Yes, the community here is amazing. I asked Matthew if I could start a thread for support, not just for me and my fiance but for everyone, and he was ok with it. He even pointed me to the forum to start it in.

Congratulations on 10 years! Coming back from stage 4 cancer I didn't even know was possible. I'm being as supportive as I can, and have with everyone I've taken care of. I'm trying to keep positive about everything too, and that's tough to do sometimes. Right now we're waiting on lab work to come back to see what the next steps are.

With covid pretty much limiting everything around here I wasn't able to be with my cat when they put him down. All I could do was sit in the parking lot crying waiting for them to bring him out to me so I could bring him home and bury him. The one thing I wasn't expecting, and made me lose it when I went to take him out of the car, was his paw prints on several pieces of thick paper and a print of his nose and whiskers. I wasn't prepared for that, and then having to dig the grave after seeing that made it even harder.

[gnalan]

Finally got some good news! After the last testing, and lab work, they didn't find anymore thyroid cancer. She still has to have lab work done every 3 months to make sure it doesn't come back, but we're both a little more relieved now.

She had two surgical procedures done on Wednesday, and several biopsies taken. Haven't gotten the pathology reports back from them yet, but we're both hoping everything comes back benign. She's been through so much already, and has a lot of medical issues that she still has to deal with everyday, even before they found the thyroid cancer.

She's a fighter, thankfully. With everything she's dealing with, not only with her health issues but just doing day to day activities, I honestly don't know where she finds the strength. I'm glad she has the strength, and the drive that she does. I try to be strong for her, and then end up falling apart. Sometimes it's when I'm by myself and can just let it all out, and other times it's in front of her. I love her more than anything, and the thought of losing her scares me all the time. I feel lost sometimes because there's nothing I can do. I can't take her apart, replace all of the bad parts, and put her back together again. I wish it was that easy, but she has great doctors that are doing their best to fix what they're able to, slow down what they're able to, and try to give her the best quality of life we should all be able to have. That's really all we can hope for out of life.

[scot850]

Having recently lost my sister-in-law to cancer it truly is something I would not wish it on anyone. Like you I have been through the big 'C' issues with too many friends and family through my life. The hardest thing for me is my brother (who suffers from depression) lives in Sweden so I can't just jump on a plane to go and be with him. I know he is really struggling as she was his soulmate. She got cancer last year in her uterus and it spread. They operated eventually and removes the cancer and did lots of chemo and radiation. She turned a clean bill of health in fall last year. Then about 3 months ago she went down hill again and went in just 5 weeks.

I wish you and your partner well and hope it is only good news going forward!

Neil.