The symptoms, in culmination with the collective advice have led me to a bad fuel check valve. Thank you to everyone who commented, even if it wasn't was you though I learned an awful lot about the cars electronics, sensors, and starting conditions.
So after a bunch of digging (making sure I had the metal tank, and I didn't have a plastic one with a thin metal cover on it or something crazy) I bought a pump from FCP; Bosch 30794624.
I've watched a few videos online.. any suggestions? Figured I'd ask, as its about to happen in a college parking lot with juniors and seniors. You could say I'm taking every "prepared" measure possible without my garage at my disposal. Got a vacuum, siphon hose, and a nice set of 6 point metric sockets.
It looks doable, something like:
1)Remove Back seat
2)Remove Side cushions by door
3)ABS sensor
4)Bolts, bracket, and backseat rest
5)Access both covers -> PICTURES
6)Pull out old pump/sender unit/ sensor on hanger
7)CAREFUL will sensor, install new pump/module






